A Poke in the Eye (With a Sharp Stick) by Amnesty International

Author:Amnesty International [International, Amnesty]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780857867353
Publisher: Canongate Books

The scene is the headmaster’s office. Fry, as the headmaster, is sitting behind the desk. Laurie, as the pupil, enters looking very meek.

FRY: Ah, Terry, Terry, come in, come in.

LAURIE: Yes, sir.

FRY: Ah, do you know why I’ve sent for you, Terry?

LAURIE: Er, not really, sir, no.

FRY: (Ponders the response.) ‘Not really, not really.’ Well, er, Terry, first of all, congratulations on winning the school poetry prize.

LAURIE Thank you, sir.

FRY: Mr Drip tells me that it is the most mature and exciting poem he has ever received from a pupil. Don’t suck your thumb, boy.

LAURIE: (Bemused.) I . . . I’m not, sir.

FRY: No, that was just a piece of general advice for the future. Now, er, Terry. Terry, Terry. Terence. It’s about this poem, really . . . I read it, Terry. I can’t pretend to be much of a judge of literature – I’m an English teacher, not a homosexual – but I have to say it worried me.

LAURIE: Oh?

FRY: Yes, it worried me. I have it here, in fact. (Looks at it.) Er, ‘Inked Ravens of Despair Claw Holes in the Arse of the World’s Mind’. I mean, what kind of title for a poem is that?

LAURIE: Well, er, it’s my title, sir.

FRY: ‘Inked Ravens of Despair Claw Holes in the Arse of the World’s Mind’? Are you sickening for something?

LAURIE: Well, you know, I think that’s what the poem explores.

FRY: Oh, it explores, does it? I see. Explores. Right, well, let’s have a look at this, then. (Reads again from poem.) ‘Scrotal threats unhorse a question of flowers’. I mean, is it a girl? Is that the problem?

LAURIE: Well, er, it’s not something I can explain, sir, you know, it’s all in the poem.

FRY: It certainly is ‘all in the poem’! (Reads again.) ‘I asked for answers and got a head full of heroin in return’. Now, Terry, listen to me. Who’s been giving you heroin?

LAURIE: No one, sir.

FRY: No, no, Terry, I must insist – it’s in the poem! ‘I got a head full of heroin in return’. This is a police matter, Terry, you must tell me!

LAURIE: Sir, no one has given me heroin!

FRY: Oh, I see, so this poem is just a fiction, is it, a fantasy, a lie?

LAURIE: Oh, no, it’s all true, it’s autobiographical.

FRY: Well, then, Terry, I must insist you tell me!

LAURIE: No, it’s a metaphor.

FRY: Metaphor? How metaphor?

LAURIE: (In a self-admiring tone.) It means, ‘I came to school to learn, but all I got was junk instead of answers.’

FRY: Junk? But the GCSE syllabus is rigidly adhered to in every –

LAURIE: You know . . . it’s just an opinion.

FRY: I see. And is this ‘just an opinion’, too? (Reads again.) ‘When time fell wanking to the floor, they kicked his teeth’. ‘Time fell wanking’? I mean, is it just put in to shock? ‘Time fell wanking’ – what does it mean?

LAURIE: It’s a quotation.

FRY: Quotation? A quotation? Who from? It’s not Milton, and I’m pretty sure it can’t be Wordsworth!

LAURIE: It’s Bowie.

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